the beauty + the mess

stuck. in. a. rut.

2008-06-23T01:06:00.000-07:00

I've been neglecting this blog, opting to jot down some updates and quick thoughts on my trusty journal.

I'm lazy, I know. XD On my days off I'd much rather spend the day catching up on BLEACH, Naruto, and Yakitate! Japan, uploading pictures, renaming and filing our mp3 collection (stupid Limewire appends track numbers to most songs we download), go out with the boyfriend, watch a movie or just crank the music way loud and relax. Seems I've been doing everything but!

It's just either work or stay at home or go out with Cesar lately. It's sad I don't get to see my friends anymore, everyone else is busy with their own thing. Reunions are a welcome escape from the norm (i.e. work). And most times, even the "norm" is a handful: kumas patients, finicky doctors, and trying to please everyone. Well, it's a living!

On other updates... the boyf and I have just officially celebrated our 3rd year anniversary. I got a gorgeous bouquet of red and pink roses ^_^ That was a gift I thought I'd never have... took him 3 years before he gave me flowers....haha:) I love my man to bits XD He's just adorable, and I'm proud that he cut his loooong hair for me:)

On another sad note... my BFF left for davao last June 4. T^T Although I'm not too sad, since I know we'll both be heading for the same goals in every sense of that word. We got ourselves the same employer and we'll soon be leaving... together. That in itself is a relief and a welcome fallback. Tab, I'll miss you but not too much!

I'll have to start working my sched around so i can hang out with friends. I sorely need a social life now. XD

Pretenses

2008-01-31T22:59:00.000-08:00

Work, is fun.

But the PEOPLE at work, are far more amusing. XD

I'll try to keep my distance, away from the madness we call 8A.

Dilemma

2007-12-18T17:54:00.000-08:00

I never thought much of temptation...

until it started paying attention to me. *squeeee!*

The One Thing...

2007-12-15T19:39:00.000-08:00

...that I don't like about working: I don't have my time to myself :(

...but I'm not complaining... much. At least I'm earning my own money!XD Haha!

Pet Peeve

2007-12-14T19:16:00.000-08:00

Why do people always assume things about me?

And why do I always let it happen?!

DAMMIT! STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR ME!

You never even bother to ASK.

What kind of a friend am I to turn you down anyway? OF COURSE I can make time for you.

All I'm asking is to just let me know, and I'll be there. I'm just a text or call away.

Yet it keeps on happening. You know about it. WHY does it keep on happening? Beh, tell me.

Or is it good intentions that keep you guys from asking me to go out with you? I don't know.

All I know is that I feel extremely LEFT OUT.

What Your Name Means

2007-11-28T05:42:00.000-08:00

You entered: Christine

There are 9 letters in your name.
Those 9 letters total to 51
There are 3 vowels and 6 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:

Latin	Female	Christian.
Greek	Female	Christian.
French	Female	Follower of Christ.
English	Female	A variant of Christina. In the 1950s, Christine was one of the three most common feminine names in Britain. Famous people: American tennis player Chris Lloyd was born Christine Evert.

Your number is: 6

The characteristics of #6 are: Responsibility, protection, nurturing, community, balance, sympathy.

The expression or destiny for #6:
The number 6 Expression provides you a truly outstanding sense of responsibility, love, and balance. The 6 is helpful and ever conscientious, making you quite capable of rectifying and balancing any sort of inharmonious situation. You are a person very much inclined to give help and comfort to those in need. You have a natural penchant for working with the old, the young, the sick, or the underprivileged. Although you may have considerable creative and artistic talents, the chances are that you will devote yourself to an occupation that shows concern for the betterment of the community.

The positive side of the number 6 suggests that you are very loving, friendly, and appreciative of others. You have a depth of understanding that produces much sympathetic, kindness, and generosity. The qualities of the 6 make the finest and most concerned parent and one often deeply involved in domestic activities. Openness and honesty is apparent in your approach to all relationships.

If there is an excess of the number 6 in your makeup, you may exhibit some of the negative traits associated with this number. There may be a tendency for you to be too exacting and demanding of yourself. In this regard, you may at times sacrifice yourself (or your loved ones) for the welfare of others. In some cases, the over zealous 6 has difficulty distinguishing helping from interfering. You may have difficulty expressing your own individuality, because of involvement with responsibilities and causes. Like all with the Expression of the number 6, it's quite likely that you worry much too much.

Your Soul Urge number is: 5

A Soul Urge number of 5 means:
The 5 soul urge or motivation would like to follow a life of freedom, excitement, adventure and unexpected happening. The idea of travel and freedom to roam intrigues you. You are very much the adventurer at heart. Not particularly concerned about your future or about getting ahead, you can seem superficial and unmotivated.

In a positive sense, the energies of the number 5 make you very adaptable and versatile. You have a natural resourcefulness and enthusiasm that may mark you as a progressive with a good mind and active imagination. You seem to have a natural inclination to be a pace-setter. You are attracted to the unusual and the fast paced.

You may be overly restless and impatient at times. You may dislike the routine work that you are engaged in, and tend to jump from activity to activity, without ever finishing anything. You may have difficulty with responsibility. You don't want to be tied down to a relationship, and it may be hard to commit to one person.

Your Inner Dream number is: 1

An Inner Dream number of 1 means:
You dream of being a leader and one who is in charge. You want to be known for your courage, daring, and original ideas. You seek unconquered heights. People may get a first impression that you are very aggressive and sure of yourself.

toxic

2007-10-17T03:48:00.000-07:00

I'm back. Finally!

I hardly have time for myself anymore. Sucks.

It's my third week at CHH as an orientee, and I still have a hard time juggling patients' meds, feedings, BT's and IV's and whatnot. *screams in frustration and yanks on hair*

At *least* CHH is putting up an effort to increase the nurse-patient ratio. Well, at least they're trying. Because it's still not enough. How can you give quality care to 15 patients all at the same time? And the risk for error increases with the patient load.

No wonder people go AWOL or turn in their resignation after a few weeks. If this keeps up, dili najud nako kaya. Swear.

The first time I had to handle 13 patients, I got so stressed trying to do everything as efficient and as effective as I can. It wore me out. T_T

I wanna go to a special area soooooo bad! (I never liked being on the floor/ward)

But at the same time, I kinda don't want to. The people at 8A are super nice. They all have great personalities! Waaah! They even do(or offer) to do my charting for me XD

Darnit. Now I feel guilty for wanting to leave. >W<

One more week to go. *sigh*

I hope I can make it by then.

on hold

2007-08-31T04:02:00.000-07:00

This blog shall be on hiatus... until we can reinstall our DSL subscription. Which would probably take around a week. (Which, in that case, I shall revert to my old trusty notebook for my journal updates and rantings)

So friends, readers (if any, haha)... until then!

...signing off...

I Cry For Me

2007-08-28T20:33:00.000-07:00

When I talk
no one listens.
or they pretend to listen
but they don't hear me.

When I listen
people are yelling.
people talk at me.

When I try to fit in
no matter what I do
people still leave me out.

When I joke around
they take me seriously.
no one knows I'm actually joking.
no one laughs.
maybe I'm the joke.

When I feel what I feel
people tell me I shouldn't.
they even question me.

When I smile
they at least smile back.
yet their smile is devoid of warmth
and understanding.

When I try and I succeed
for a moment all is well
they seem proud
but then they say that I should try even more.

When I fail
I'm a disappointment.
A shame.

When I ask for help
half-hearted attempts are made.
never mind.
I can do it by myself.

When I cry
I cry alone.
I cry for everyone.

I cry for me.

Weekly Rant 01

2007-08-28T19:29:00.000-07:00

I wanna leave.........

But I don't want to leave my parents, my bro and sis, and my boyfriend. T_T

I don't wanna leave.......

Because I'm scared of being on my own.

I want to learn how to cook......

But I'll only get in the way of others in the kitchen
and mom has no time to teach me. T_T

I have to learn how to drive.......

But I think we have no budget left for me to.

I wish I was already working.......

So I can earn money and gain experience.

But I'm scared that my nursing skills will be sooo rusty.

I wish we were living in our own place....

So I wouldn't have to put up with *things* that

has already become a daily normal occurrence.

I feel shitty. T_T

here here!

2007-08-26T22:03:00.000-07:00

WOoHoO!!

Results are out!

CUENCA, LALYN DALISAY
CUENCO, ARNIDA ISIP
------->>CUENCO, CHRISTINE GAIL KWONG<<-------
CUEVAS, JOSEPHINE FERRER
CUEVAS, KATHERINE MAY REYES

^______^ Finally after a loooong wait(and after a frustrating super slow loading time). It was funny because people were already texting me their congratulations, and I haven't seen the results for myself yet! But mom stayed up to wait to make sure. Thanks mom!:)

And on another note:

11568 ESTACION, RODALYN HALLASGO
11569 ESTALILLA, AILETA GAIL ESTRELLA
------->>11570 ESTALILLA, CESAR JOSEPH IV MANINGO<<-------
11571 ESTALITA, JAQUELYN RODELAS
11572 ESTALLO, MELIZA GUARNES

My wubbikins made it as well! Yipee!^_____^

I'm so proud of him! He didn't make it the last time but after all his efforts he finally did! I kinda knew that this time he'll be rostered among his fellow new RN's. Awwww! So proud! *beam* I knew you could do it, wubbi!

I'm sorry to those who didn't make it... like a couple of friends who took the retake with me :( Maybe God has other plans... I hope they didn't take it too hard. :( :( :(

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE NEW RN's OF JUN2007!
AND TO THE RETAKERS!:)

Cheers!

blog woes

2007-08-25T09:28:00.000-07:00

D:!!

It's funny when I sit myself in front of my computer, and I feel the urge to blog...

Nothing.

But when I'm in bed waiting to fall asleep, the ideas keep coming in. Or when I'm in the car en route to somewhere. Or how about all the times when I absolutely HAVE NO ACCESS TO A COMPUTER!!!

Feh. -_-

BLD Retreat Day 3 (last day)

2007-08-22T01:17:00.000-07:00

Sunday, August 19, '07

Last day! And I was the last to shower again. Oh well. At least they didn't start without me again!:) They still made us get up at 5:30-6, but we started at 7. Of the four phases of the encounter (1. I, 2. We, 3. We + God, 4. We + God + Community) this was going to be the last, and we still had a couple more activities until then.

I was still half-awake the whole morning. I hadn't slept at all, and the night before I keep waking up every hour. Plus the fact that I haven't taken a dump in the last 3 days (sorry for the crudeness) and my stomach was acting up. It's not that I didn't want to "deposit", but the fear that the toilet might clog up on me was stronger than the urge. So I couldn't bring myself to do it (talk about anal-retentive).

We had more talks on community and the importance of being in one, support system and all for the rest of the morning, but I couldn't really recall. Then we were invited to prayer then getting readied for the anointing.

In a prayerful mode (and already awake at that time) I opened myself to Him and His Holy Spirit. And wouldn't you know... I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was warm yet very fleeting, the feeling. As if it was just enough to assure me that He was with me. And it was. I felt touched by Him... an indescribable feeling, like none other in the world. Tears stung my eyes at the realization and my emotions overwhelmed me. I promised to be a better person worthy of His love right then and there. It was surreal. Cool, but totally surreal. As if in a dream.

We were prayed over after the anointing, and when we came back from breakfast, another surprise awaited us. A bag of letters from the SE15, and from our family and friends! It didn't help that the choir was singing even more mood music at the time, I cried at my mom's letter, laughed at my bro's, smiled at the others. Haha... it's still a great feeling to receive letters from loved ones. Because it doesn't happen everyday. In letters, people can write down what they can never say to you to your face either because they're too shy or too emotional. It was great.

There was one more testimonial and activity to do before the final mass, and we got through that pretty fast. While waiting for mass we ate our lunch and continued reading our other letters. I also started packing the last of my stuff away, I was excited to be already going home after. Cesar called me then to tell me my family had arrived, and I spent the rest of the time with them until mass.

Mass with Father Ted was longer than usual, but very insightful. After that, we had our graduation and then we were treated to a video the SE15 had prepared for us. It was all a lovely finish to a great weekend.

I was so glad I went!:) And I'm starting to miss the people of BLD Singles already. I love how they make you feel welcome and accepted, in the truest sense of the word.

I'm proud to be a new member to BLD singles. SE16!:)

BLD Retreat Day 2 part 2

2007-08-22T00:03:00.000-07:00

Saturday afternoon, August 18, '07

Lunch was over, and I got a bit more acquainted with my groupmates. There was 5 of us, 2 girls and 3 guys at around the same age. We got along fairly easy, since we were all on the same level. I was secretly afraid that I wouldn't hit it off with the other girl, because she seemed detached this morning. I was extremely pleased that she wasn't too bad after all.

In actuality, Cathy's attitude reminded me of Nal's. She laughed heartily at everything remotely funny, and her upbeat personality kept everyone's spirits up. Ramon was sarcastic in humor and somewhat detached, but made a valiant effort to cooperate. Mamayk was a "veteran" to BLD (like Cathy, as I found out later) and took everything in stride. He cracked jokes every now and then, and exchanged mischievous looks with the others during the lecture/testimonies. Claude was the "wala'y libog" of the group, accepting everything and making the most of it. I admired the fact that nothing seemed to faze him, and his philosophy, as he put it, was "Dili ko manghilabut, para dili sad ko hilabtun," while smiling a toothy grin the whole time.

We soon bonded over the required 5-10 minute reflection sharings and grew in camraderie and friendship. I was relieved that my group got along, it would've honestly been awkward if we didn't, since we had to stick it out until the next day and had to sit together during meals.

I guess the highlight of the day was our roleplaying. We joined forces with another group and presented a modern adaptation of "the Good Samaritan." It was hilarious! We had the rest of the room howling in laughter with our "Wanted: Pangga" intro. Credit to Nomar, Mamayk and Lisha for the superb acting!:)

That done and over with, we had an early dinner since we were going to have confession after. In our time of prayer and more reflection, we were serenaded with calming, emotional Christian songs by the choir. You couldn't help but be moved by the music. Sniffles were heard throughout the room. Nevertheless after my confession, albeit short as it was (it mustn't have reached a minute, methinks the Priest was quite in a hurry) I felt lighter at heart and loads better, having set free of my burdens. It was just too bad that we were told to go to our dorm room right after to "rest", because we'd still have an early day tomorrow. It kinda sucked that I wasn't able to say goodnight to Cesar(he was in another group, and was one of the first to confess so we hadn't the chance to talk). So I was just settling into my bed and starting to doze off when the SE15 facilitators rang the bell. Morning already?!

It turned out that they had a surprise for us. They sang us a song and invited us to the rooftop for a midnight snack of lechon, pansit, corn and bread and puto, dinuguan and lots more! It was fun, and I was starting to get hungry. lol;)

All in all, a satisfying, great day.:)

BLD Retreat Day 2 part 1

2007-08-21T23:40:00.000-07:00

Saturday, August 18, '07

It's the second day, and I could say that I was off to a late start. The wake-up call was at 5:30 am, but with 22 girls and only 3 shower stalls (although the last one can't be called a SHOWER since the water was just trickling XD) it made me a little late for the first activity of the day. After the morning praise we breakfasted to chorizo, rice, dilis, eggs and bananas. Yum!

We were ushered back to the conference room shortly after, and the first phase("I") of the weekend program started. Ate M discussed on the effects childhood experience had in shaping our personality, emotion and views.

Apparently, since conception, the fetus already was feeding off on the emotions of the mother. So whatever the mother was feeling throughout the pregnancy, will be later echoed in how the grown child will act, think, and feel. From conception until age 4, the child's personality would have been formed by 40-50%. By age 8, about 70-80%. By his twenties, outside factors could only influence a person by 5%. I mean, like wow! That much by age 4?! And it was proven to be true. It would explain, for example, a grown woman's unexplained mistrust and resentment for men. Her past revealed that while her mother was pregnant with her, her mother caught her husband cheating. The betrayal and hurt was consequently passed onto the unborn child, and now as a grown woman, she can't bring herself to trust the opposite sex.

This was truly an eye-opening fact. Everything we are and what we aren't, is all deeply rooted in childhood. Which would explain why I'm anal-retentive(review your stages of psychosexual dev't by Freud!). I know, I know, that was a bit TMI(too much info) but hey, it's a fact I won't deny. I honestly don't remember much of my childhood... except for the fact that I got spanked a lot. Oh, no wonder I feel terrible amounts of guilt everytime I do something bad!! D: Gaaah...

One other topic of interest that day (in line with the "I" phase) was about the masks we wear. "Masks" are defense mechanisms to hide our true selves, because we're scared to show the real us. My eyes goggled at the list of masks..I had a lot of them!

I had these masks:

Judgemental/Critical
Clown/Happy-Go-Lucky
Perfectionist
Indifferent ("Paki Ko")

The ugly things about myself were rushing back to the surface in full force now. And there was nothing to stop them. I realized how long I've been hiding under them, and how insecure I must actually be. (and it was still the first morning!)

I wanted to change. Badly.

BLD Retreat Day 1

2007-08-21T21:54:00.000-07:00

Friday, August 17, '07

Okay, so I had agreed to join the BLD Singles Encounter Retreat from Aug 17-19 without any expectations other than the usual. The same sharing, group activities, praying and crying episodes, and all that. But well, after the orientation on what was to transpire between tonight until Sunday started getting me to think otherwise.

This wasn't just any old retreat.

It's actually more like rediscovering yourself, your worth and purpose-- exactly the questions I have been posing to myself lately. And one facilitator said one line that struck me: "You were chosen by God to be here," and I have never thought of it in that light.

So.. maybe I *was* chosen to be here. Heck, maybe MEANT to be here. Maybe my joining could provide me with a little bit more insight about myself, and my relationship with God, friends and family. Who I am, what I was meant to do, and at the same time, how to serve Him in my own little way. Who knows, I might be able to come out of this a little more wiser, or a bit more clear on the path I should take in my career and life.

To think that I was ~~a bit~~ REALLY apprehensive at first, I didn't want to open up or "expose" myself to other people, especially since they were practically strangers! Or... I was just scared. Yeah, that and somehow I felt deep in my soul that I needed to do this. I mean, it couldn't hurt, right? Well, I'm here now. Along with a lot of other people as well. Some I feel are kinda like me, all wondering about themselves, and if they were in the right place. Some looking to rekindle a relationship with Him.

It's a comfort to at least see that there are people just like you. That you aren't as alone in your trials and miseries as you thought.

I'm glad I came.

It's still the first night, but I've made some new friends, reunited with old ones, and now looking forward to the next two days of this Singles Encounter.

I can't wait!

Sometimes

2007-08-13T19:48:00.000-07:00

I think I need to be:

more decisive
more spontaneous
a better time manager
less envious of others
less critical of myself
more accepting
more understanding
more patient
less scared of the consequences
more straightforward with my goals
less of a control freak
more of a risk taker
less moody/temperamental
more creative
more optimistic
less disillusioned with everything
less sarcastic
less materialistic

Still a long way to go.

last hurdle

2007-08-08T21:51:00.000-07:00

I had faithfully checked the CGFNS site for the past two weeks, hopeful for the early release of the results. Two days ago I just decided to give it a rest. It'll come when it will. But today, a friend had checked the site and encouraged me to confirm my results. The bad news was, she didn't make it.

My heart had already started to pound wildly in my chest, and it was with shaking fingers that I typed in the website addy and my username and password. I clicked on the View CP/English Exam results link and held my breath.

CGFNS EXAM = Passed.

All the blood rushed to my head and I jumped off of the computer chair and rushed to my mom. I had a stupid wide grin on my face. "I PASSED!" Mom jumped off the bed (like mother, like daughter, haha) and after giving me an I'm-so-proud-of-you hug and kiss she ran to the phone to call my dad. I talked to my dad, and he was happy for me too. I was so relieved that I made it actually, because the test was really hard. It was even worse than the Nclex exam! The fact that it was a pen and paper exam made the possibility of failure a lot higher, since when you go back and review your paper, you tend to second guess your answers, and then end up with the wrong ones instead. Which is almost always the case with me. lol.

Now, if only the retake results would come out soon....

reminiscing

2007-08-04T07:46:00.000-07:00

If you had the chance to change one thing in your college life, what would that be?

That was the question posed to me by my boyfriend last night. We were then enjoying dessert (and each other) at the newest cheesecake shop and just hanging out. I know, it was a simple question but I actually stopped for a minute to think things out. A lot, a WHOLE LOT, had happened during the last 4 years at CDU, all good, bad and unmentionable. And my thoughts immediately centered on two of my lowest points that I would have liked to tweak:

My 1st relationship with L.
My friendship with she-who-must-not-be-named (let's call her X)

My first relationship had been shaky from the start. L was nice enough, though a bit pushy. I was so immature then, and hurt that this other guy I liked didn't reciprocate my feelings. I threw myself into the friendship and later on when he asked to go steady, I said yes. Despite all the warning bells in my head and heart, and the fact that my family didn't like him, I gave in. It was a whirlwind of highs and lows in the two months that we were together. It was my first time in a relationship, and he assured me he would be patient... but wasn't. We fought a lot. He demanded time and attention that I wasn't as free to give. It didn't matter that I was a 1st yr nursing student taking the midterms, it was still my fault that he had to wait two hours until I finished my exams for that day. He was petty, and constantly compared me to his ex-girlfriend. And then on the other hand he was sweet: buying me flowers for no reasons at all, and not just ordinary flowers. Bouquets of roses, red, white, orange and pink. He bought me shoes and a silver necklace for my birthday. He gave me a huge teddy for valentines. He treats my friends out to lunch and dinner. He was gentlemanly, opening doors, carrying books. He was a good listener and a conversationalist. He kept me on an emotional rollercoaster, one I was both scared yet anticipating to get off. After that last major fight we had, I decided to get myself out of the hole I was digging myself into. I realized that I had allowed him to get to me, and eat away all of my confidence and self-esteem. I needed me back. I broke it off. He was mad, then apologetic. I refused to answer any of his calls. When I told my friends about the break-up the next day, (I wish I had a camera then) their jaws literally dropped to the floor. They couldn't believe it, and they thought I was actually kidding. They were amazed at how collected and calm I seemed, despite everything, and I only shrugged at them in answer. Later that afternoon, it was like the floodgates opened. All the emotion and past hurt I bottled up and the relief all came to the surface, and I could not stop crying. I was actually free. So when L called to say he would like to meet again "as friends" I only hesitated for a while before I agreed. We were friends first after all, and we didn't actually break up in the cleanest way possible (I ended it over the phone), and I needed the closure. When we met again, the easy friendship was there. It was as if everything would be alright after all. Then suddenly, he asked if we could ever get back together again, to which I said no. I told him it wasn't the right time for me, and that I needed to focus on my studies and myself for a while. Then that's when things turned ugly: hearing my answer, he said, "What a waste of time, money and energy." I have never been so insulted in my life. But I didn't do anything. I could've slapped him, or throw his drink to his face, or just simply walked out. And I didn't. We later parted on cordial terms. Only I didn't want to see him again, or I would have kicked his ass for what he said. Those famous last words. It was a lesson for both of us, but more for me.

X was one of the few people I had the chance to get close to in college, aside from LT, my schoolmate and best friend. She was highly intelligent, and witty. She was easy to get along with and a great seatmate. I loved how she always made me laugh, and admired her seemingly effortless diligence in schoolwork. We lived near each other, and we used to go home together, and she'd stay for Sunday lunch. We had our differences but we respected each other. Well, most of the time. We sort of grew apart on our 2nd year in college. I had begun to hang out with another group of girls, and spent less and less time with her, though we were in the same classroom. Maybe she resented me for that, I would never know. Things sorta went downhill from there. Being out of her circle I then saw, as if a veil was being lifted from my eyes, how she really was as a person. Everyone knew X was smart, but she didn't have to adopt a holier-than-thou attitude. I saw and heard how she put down others while trying to pass it off as a joke to the class. Some shrugged it off, some were hurt. Joke or not, only a stupid person wouldn't be able to discern the underlying insult. I have also observed that between groups of friends(she flitted around in a couple or more cliques) she'd put down her other friends from the other cliques. To fit in, maybe? I don't know. That made me think, so if she's doing that with others, then how am I any different or immune from her gossip? That goaded me, and a lot more other things about her that I found I did not like. She was too bossy, too mouthy, too boastful, too arrogant, too proud, too mean, too hurtful. I distanced myself from her, watching as she and LT chummed it up, going out and partying and whatnot without me. I do admit I was hurt that they didn't include me, but deep down I knew that mine and LT's friendship ran deeper than that. But word came to me that X had carelessly commented on something that insulted me AND my family, that was the last straw. Well, we're not friends anymore, and that's that.

Those two things had a major impact on my college years, maybe because they happened on the first and the last year of college, respectively. Back to the question. Would I have changed anything if I could? My first answer would have been yes. But if I hadn't gone through #1, I wouldn't have learned how to love myself. I realized I needed time for me, and got out of that destructive relationship. I learned how to listen to myself. And without #2, I would have never learned to be a better friend. I realized my mistakes as well as hers, and a part of me wishes to reach out and let bygones be bygones, but our relationship has been too damaged. A lesson well learned, and I hope I shall never have to make those mistakes again.

If I hadn't had all those experiences, good or bad, I wouldn't be where I am today. I am a better person because of them. So, on that note...

I turned to my boyfriend and said, "No, I wouldn't change anything," I smiled at him, patiently waiting for my answer. "Nothing at all." He grinned back. "Aren't you gonna ask me?" he countered. "Ask me, ask me!"

I indulged him. "Okay... would you change anything?"

He looked me in the eye and smiled wistfully. I knew what he was thinking. We both have been through a lot, apart and then together, jumping our own hurdles and making mistakes, but constantly learning. "No, I wouldn't either,"

And I couldn't agree more. It was all worth it.

Cinnamon Toast and Coffee

2007-08-01T02:34:00.000-07:00

It's the rainy season again.

Although we tropical folk don't have much choice between the wet and dry season, you wouldn't want to be experiencing our dry season for too long. Especially with the global warming and all, the sun can be really extreme at times, beating down on and through your skin, almost punishing. And please, I don't want to turn into a burnt crisp, thank you very much.

And that's why when June and July come around, I'm already sniffing the air for signs of rain. RAIN! A blessed reprieve from the heat and dryness of summer.

Hooray for the wet season!:)

**Cinnamon Toast & Coffee, anyone? :) Cheers!

on men

2007-07-25T23:18:00.000-07:00

1. Men are like ..... Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like..... Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ...... Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ..... Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ..... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ... Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ... Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ..... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ..... Mascara .... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ...... Popcorn ...... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like...... Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........ Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ...... Parking Spots ..... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Poems

2007-07-25T23:06:00.000-07:00

CROWD

in the din of mingled voices
amidst the sea of faces
i stand alone.
oblivious to everything else
lost in my own thoughts
I finally look up
and see...
your eyes
glinting in amusement
as if the crowd parted
and my vision centered on you
your laugh
I can clearly hear across the room
amidst the whispers, the talk
the noise
your smile
took my breath away
you look up
our eyes meet...

I am lost.

MAYBE

maybe it's the way you look at me

maybe in the fire of your eyes

maybe it's in the way you make me feel,

the reason why, i can't surmise.

maybe it's the way you laugh

maybe in the warmth of your smile

maybe it's the way you make me giddy inside,

and make my heart leap a thousand miles

maybe it's the way you treat me...

maybe i'm special, and you want me to know

maybe it's in the way you hold me,

like you don't ever want to let go.

or maybe it's not you at all,

maybe i just don't see--

how you've already won my heart

and how much you mean to me!

I Need...

sometimes, all i want is to be held

to have your quiet presence to lean on

to have your arms wrapped around me...

my head on your broad shoulders

to inhale your clean masculine scent...

the simple comfort of having someone beside me.

right now i don't need your encouragement,

nor your jokes, your teasings... the idle banter...

no, not words...

to be held.

something so simple

but that is all i ask.

yet sometimes...

that may be all that i need.

>>05/12/06<<

Serendipity

you waltzed into my life
unbidden...
oblivious to the sudden
rapid beating
of my heart
catching me unprepared
for the fall i would take--
and i fell hard.
though you
never noticed me at all.
i dared to hope...
dared to dream...
until one day our paths did cross.
a meeting
of two lonely souls
risking it all
for the search
of companionship,
and maybe even love...
and everything just fell into place.
unexpectedly we found
exactly what we were looking for---

each other.

1-17-06

If

if you only knew how much
you brighten up my day
just seeing you there and smiling
it's indescribable... words aren't enough to say
if you only knew how i
hold my breath when you pass me by
only later to inhale your sweet scent--
then experience sweet bliss... and sigh
if you only knew just what
your simple "hi" can do
i'd probably burst in happiness
all just because of you
if you only knew how often
i watch you from afar
watch you with your girl
oh what i'd give to be with you and where you are
if things had been different
if only you had a clue
maybe it would be you and me...
maybe--
if only you knew.

30 things

2007-07-25T23:02:00.000-07:00

i found this in the Friendster bulletin board. :)

30 things a girl would "die" for:

1-touch their waist
2-talk to them
3-share secrets
4-give her your jacket
5-kiss them slowly
6-hug them
7-hold her
8-laugh with her
9-invite her somewhere
10-let her be with you when you're with your friends
11-smile with her
12-take pics with her
13-pull her onto your lap
14-when she says she loves you more, deny it.
15-when her friends say she love her more than you, deny it. fight back and hug her tight so she cant
get to her friends. it makes her feel loved
16-always hug her and say i love you when you
see her
17-kiss her unexpectedly
18-hug her from behind around the waist
19-tell her she's beautiful, not sexy!
20-tell her the way you feel about her!
21-kiss her on the lips
22-DONT ask her to buy you stuff. you buy HER
stuff
23-TELL HER WHAT FEELS GOOD
24-make her feel loved
25-buy them stuff. like small things can still help
26-don't lie to her
27-dont cheat on her
28-take her anywhere she wants
29-txt message her in the morning and tell her
have a good day at school, and how much you
miss her
30-be there for her when ever she needs you, &
even though she doesn't need you just be there
so she'll know that she can always count on you

darwin awards

2007-07-25T22:57:00.000-07:00

i got this email some time ago from my cousin. i came across this again as i was cleaning out my mailbox, and this was too funny to keep to myself!! read on!!

Tiffany wrote:
Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

And the nominees this year in reverse order are.....

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was aproximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearin g a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward. (Damn it...I want pictures!!!)

5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreakage with their pants around their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County polic e said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER OF THE 2004 DARWIN AWARD SHOULD BE....

Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the b all washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to le ave the course. NOTE: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

oyyy..nka notice mo na tanan winners are MEN!!!!!!! heheheh

M. Tiffany L.

name game

2007-07-25T22:54:00.000-07:00

what is in a name?

IF:

A- Damn good kisser.
B- Good all around person.
C- You're wild & crazy.
D- You have one of the best personalities ever.
E- You have a nice ass.
F- People totally adore you.
G- You never let people tell you what to do.
H- You have a very good personality and looks.
I- You get hyper easily.
J- Everyone loves you.
K- You like to try new things
L- You live to have fun.
M- Success comes easily to you.
N- You are absolutely beautiful.
O- You're an awesome person.
P- You are popular with all types of people.
Q- You are a hypocrite.
R- Sexy !
S- Easy to fall in love with.
T- You're loyal to those you love.
U- You really like to chill.
V- You are not judgemental.
W- You are very broad minded.
X- You never let people tell you what to do.
Y- One of the best bfs/gfs anyone could ask for.
Z- You're a little too hard to find.

THEN...:

C- You're wild & crazy.

H- You have a very good personality and looks.

R- Sexy !

I- You get hyper easily.

S- Easy to fall in love with.

T- You're loyal to those you love.

I- You get hyper easily.

N- You are absolutely beautiful.

E- You have a nice ass.

G- You never let people tell you what to do.

A- Damn good kisser. (i didn't need to knot that cherry twig thingie in my mouth after all)

I- You get hyper easily.

L- You live to have fun.

C- You're wild & crazy.

U- You really like to chill.

E- You have a nice ass. (again?! LOL)

N- You are absolutely beautiful.

C- You're wild & crazy.

O- You're an awesome person.

Baby, you are...

2007-07-25T22:50:00.000-07:00

my sunny sky

my favorite high

my bed so warm

my port in a storm

my sweetest gift

my emotional lift

my best friend

until the end

my inspiration

my destination

my shining light

my day and night

my heart healer

my anger chiller

my pain reliever

my spring fever

my gem so rare

my answered prayer

my heart and soul

my life made whole

my merry go round

my UP when im down

my best chance

my last dance

my best shot

my sweet kumquat

my energizer

my appetizer

my morning sun

my evening fun

my dancing partner

my heart's gardener

my source of laughter

my ever after

my heavensent

for whom i'm meant

my burning fire

my greatest desire

my soul mate

my sweet fate

my dream lover

my BEFORE ALL OTHERS

my confidence

my common sense

my reason why

until i die.

Just in case you didn't know.

--david l. weatherford

**note: this has got to be one of my favorite poems:) I've dedicated it to my SO, and I changed some words (I know, it's plagiarism in a sense but I just adapted it for our own use:P) And I'd like to share this with you all:)

highlights of the early years (2003-2005)

2007-07-25T22:33:00.000-07:00

i've been keeping a journal for the last 8 years or so, and well, here are some lines which i found...interesting. after some careful screening, reediting and some bleeping, here it is. it won't hold as much meaning for you guys, obviously, but what the heck. it's my blog, i can put whatever i want in it. i don't think a lot of you even read this stuff, anyway. :3

April2003, on the (first boyfriend) break-up:

If I know, he'd be so engrossed in whatever he's doing, to forget... that he forgets. But you don't totally forget, right? We're "friends"... though I doubt how much "friends" you can get with your ex.

June2003, on unrequited, frustrated "love" for the "other guy":

Why do I have to be so WEAK? I'm so annoyed. At myself, at the world, at HIM.

June2003, on "friends" who freakin' forcefully shove you to "mend things" with the ex who said, after rejecting his proposal of getting back together, "What a waste of time, money, and energy." It chafes and grates into your nerves. What would YOU do?

I don't know why people don't see that it's NOT OKAY to just go bumping into and being so friendly to your ex. Especially after a bad breakup.Hmf. Some people.

May2003, on that other guy:

I can handle the teasings. I'll just keep on hoping that they won't see that silly grin on my face.

April2004, still on that other guy:

I guess he'll be that dull ache in my heart that will never go away. Bah, I hate myself.

August2004:

I maybe jealous of the fact that they have found someone. Why does this have to affect me this way? I don't understand. I don't.

-- (on that other guy, who has found himself another love...)

I wonder why people intentionally hurt other people. Everything's so complicated when it comes to relationships... but does it have to be?

--(on a friend, who busted the stupid jerk who was courting her)

January2005, on a new guy:

Oh man, oh man.... do i dare hope? Only for it to be dashed in my face?

February2005, on the new guy:

Everything's so surreal... it's like a dream. And I don't want it to end! ...I don't want to expect anything... but I just can't seem to help it. It's like, finally, everything's falling into place, but I know it won't last forever.

And... I don't know. About him... I'm scared. Do I LIKE him like him or just plain like him? I don't know! I can't tell! But whenever I talk to him my hands start getting cold and clammy and there's a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. I get all tingly and lightheaded...

March2005 (yep, this time me and the new guy were heading somewhere promising):

I like him. I'm sure of that. But I'm scared. So scared... and insecure.

May, 2005, on juggling the no-you're-not-allowed-to-have-a-relationship-yet issue with the but-i-think-he's-the-potential-love-of-my-life thing. In a nutshell. :

Thought about it, talked about it, had sleepless nights over it... but I don't know yet. Why don't I know yet? Man...

It's all so dramatic now when I look at it. I went through a whirlwhind of lows and highs that year.

The best part of it all?

I found my true love. (Yep, it was the new guy.)

sun, sand, sea

2007-07-22T19:28:00.000-07:00

I'm back from my little getaway to Moalboal with my guy and his friends! *whee*
What an experience! Ahia V was our master chef as he cooked all our meals for us, while we just helped a little with the chopping and slicing or watching. lol:)
It was just what everyone needed, to get away from the city for a while to have some idyllic, lazy fun at the beach. The beach was great... though it had a bunch of coconut thingys lying around. The water was clean and clear, with lots of fish and coral! It was too bad I'm not a strong swimmer, I never got to appreciate the corals up close, just through the pics Ahia V took.
We got to play mahjong, and play Cranium with the boys against the girls. It ended up in a tie, lol. The boys played flag football, and because they weren't too clear with the rules just ended up tackling each other randomly. lol!! I tried my hand at skimboarding:) I'm especially proud I lasted a few seconds on the board (after a million wipe-outs, that is) and got a couple of bruises on my left shin. At least I could say I tried!:D lol!
It was all great fun. We took loads of pictures (among 5 cameras)! We have some great pictures of the sunset and the beach.
Now I'm so tan... lol. I haven't been to the beach in ages, and this truly was fun.
I want to go back soon!

in animated suspension

2007-07-17T00:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday mom woke me up bright and early. And I wasn't happy with that. She has the habit of barging into the room on mornings and talking to me as if I was awake (and she knew I was still asleepT-T) when she's excited about something. She had woken me because she had decided (yes, she) that if I hurried with my job applications to the hospitals there might be a chance of them hiring me, even though they've already stopped hiring. Ahh, the illogical logic of mothers.

So I did manage to get up and seeing as my mom left anyway to one of her tutor appointments (she's an english-chinese tutor) I just decided to edit and print up more resume's and application letters. I also saw that the earlier resume's I printed up already were no good...T-T (I wasted paper!) so at least when mom came home I'd be ready.

We headed to CDUHospital on foot (it was 5 blocks away) and halfway there...we were already melting from the heat and humidity. I swear! It was cloudy but really REALLY hot that day. When we reached the Nursing Office I realized I didn't have enough copies of the requirements, so we had to run down and photocopy them. When I finally had everything, the clerk at the office looked over my papers and told me that they weren't accepting applicants from my batch until the retake results came out. O_o

I was screaming inside. WTF?! I thought our licenses were valid in our country but not for abroad?! What the? Man, was I pissed. I calmly thanked the clerk and stormed out. All the way home I was seething. Not to mention the heat was getting to me. And my feet were in pain. :(

I'm still a bum. Unemployed. Wala'y kwenta ning lisensya! Frustrating, I tell you... this is beyond pure exasparation.

My head hurts again.

the aftermath

2007-07-14T23:39:00.000-07:00

it's over.

and yet, there's still so much to be done. there's the waiting. always the waiting.

plus i have to learn how to drive! my only reprieve from all this madness is that i get to go to a beach trip with my boyfriend and his friends. *so happy...cry* yay! even if it IS only for about 3 days. but yes, i'll take that please. i figure it'll be the only unwinding i'll get in the next year. or so. XD

i'm torn between a lot of emotions right now. ecstatic and relieved, since i finished everything. frustrated, since the results of the retake and the cgfns would be another 2-6 weeks yet. bummed, since i'll have only a little freedom left. partly excited, partly terrified about starting work. tired and brain-drained from all the studying. confused as to which state i should apply to. and the list goes on.

i don't mean to sound ungrateful that i'm already at this point in my career, i know a lot of people aren't as fortunate to be done with everything as i have, but still. this is only the start of a series of processes and applications and of course, waiting.

i've been told the visascreen takes about 2-3months (possibly longer because of the stupid retake), the immigration visa processing about 8-16months... gaaahh! i'm restless enough already and itching to leave to work abroad..and they tell me i have to set aside a year to WAIT for everything?! this sucks. but of course, i have no choice. the retrogression's still ongoing and i have to wait in line like everyone else. it's okay. i guess i'm okay. i have to be.

i'm just going to have to work lest my skills and nursing knowledge rot away, unused. i did plan to work in a callcenter for a couple of months to earn the extra money for the visascreen and all, but the experience you get from working in a hospital would really count as a qualification to become an RN in a hospital setting abroad... so... *shrug* again, no choice.

i suppose i'll just ride out the tide, so to speak. it's the only way. so note to self: no complaining this time. i mean it! you're halfway there.

Note to Women

2007-07-11T08:26:00.000-07:00

I came across this entry in another blog, also copy-pasted. I think these pointers would have made relationships a whole lot easier, if we women only knew about this beforehand. XD

1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

3. If you have ANY doubt in your mind about a man's character, leave him...

4. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

5. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

6. Don't force an attraction.

7. Slower is better.

8. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

9. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

10. Have faith in God regarding your relationship, but don't let faith make you stupid. God does things decent and in order.

11. Don't settle.

12. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

13. If he keeps changing his mind about the relationship—take that as a BIG sign that he is unstable. Do you really want to be with a man like that?

14. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

15. Honorable men take care of their business and aren't involved in a whole lot of mess.

16. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

17. There's only one 'reason' a man dumps you; he doesn't want you.

18. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

19. You really do have to kiss a few frogs before finding the prince.

20. Always put yourself and your happiness first.

21. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

22. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.

23. If he doesn't call, he just isn't that interested.

24. Be honest and upfront.

25. Know when to cut the cord, don't be strung along.

26. Don't fall for the "I'm confused role". Remove yourself from the situation to let him figure things out (but don't wait for him, move on).

27. If you want to have a clue as to how he will treat you, watch how he treats the WOMEN in his family (not just mom).

28. There's more than physical abuse, there's emotional and mental abuse. If he causes any of them...flee.

29. You cannot change a man's behaviors. Change comes from within.

30. Don't let him place rules on you that he is not willing to follow himself --double-
standard.

31. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has better education or in a better job.

32. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

33. Demand respect and if he can't give it, he can't have you!

34. Don't compete with other women, but be aware that men are attracted to what they see.

35. If you think he is cheating, he probably is. Confront him right away and if you feel
he's lying, leave him.

36. Actions speak louder than words.

37. Never let a man define who you are.

38. Never rely on a man for compliments, look to yourself for that.

39. Never borrow someone else's man.

40. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

41. Just because he says he loves you, doesn't mean that he won't hurt you and it doesn't mean that you are meant to be with him.

42. To use painful hard-won wisdom -- 'get it right' the next time.

43. Know that you deserve to be the number one person in the life of the number one person in your life.

44. Love is a verb ...

45. Learn to give up your lifelong task of trying to make someone unavailable-available, someone ungiving-giving, and someone unloving-loving.

46. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

47. All men are NOT dogs.

48. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a Two way street.

49. If you don't love yourself...you can't love anyone else.

50. You cannot mend someone else's broken heart.

51. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage...deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

52. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complementary...not supplementary.

53. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

54. NEVER give more in a relationship than you are getting out of it.

55. Never become your man's "therapist".

56. When actions and words conflict, believe the actions. Respond to the actions.

57. A real healthy relationship requires two people. One person can end it -- but it takes two to make it work.

58. Don't fall for the "I'm not the loving type"...when a man loves you there is nothing in this world (within reason) that he wouldn't do for you.

59. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him he takes you for granted.

60. Give him his space...let him go out with his boys, don't pressure him to spend time with you, You cant force a man to hang out with you.

61. If you wouldn't allow your daughter to be with him you shouldn't.

62. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

63. Never move into his mother's house.

64. Provide financially for yourself and don't depend on anyone.

65. Never co-sign for a man.

66. Never believe you have the perfect guy and he is so innocent.

67. Never spoil your man; let him spoil you.

68. Never let a man mess up your credit.

69. When it's time to let go; let go.

70. Good men should be treated like
good men.

71. Don't play games.

72. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.

73. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

74. Compatibility in terms of educational attainment, values, beliefs, personal and career goals, and socioeconomic status are important.

75. Never date a guy who wears colored contacts.

tagged: 7 random facts about me

2007-07-09T23:58:00.000-07:00

::tagged by Pam::

7 Random Facts About Chin:

1. i collect black and white cow-themed things. currently in my possession i own: a cow lamp, a cow bank, and a stuffed cow named cindy. and embarrassingly enough, i used to draw comics of cows. i'm obsessed! i really think they're cute, and i want to go to NZ just so i can see them personally. i hear cows are friendly, docile creatures. i can't wait!! :D

2. i am such a klutz. i seem to have a penchant for bumping into table corners, doorknobs, car doors, cabinets and chairs, tripping over stairs, wires, potholes and even my own slippers, and even sometimes my ankle just gives in and it twists itself. and then there's the fact that i bruise really easily. every week i'm sporting a new bruise, and half the time i don't even realize i do have one 'til someone points it out. maybe it's a weird incoordination disorder or something. i mean, it's so bad that it has to have a name, right? i therefore call it... Clumsy-Klutz-itis. or CK. (to be categorized with GB, MS and MG. hahaha)

3. the fates have decreed it so, that the younger sister shall have the height the older sister so craves. in other words, my sister grew over the summer. AND she's now taller than me. AND thinner. *cry* WHY, fates, WHYYYY??? *shakes fists*

heck, i can still order her around. bwahahaha!! ... unless... she chooses to use her still-increasing height and body mass against me. eep.

4. when i was little, i used to want to be a nun. or an actor. even a dancer. thank goodness i didn't pursue that first career choice. *sweatdrop* although i *did* initially want to be a doctor. and now that i'm an RN, my current career choice isn't that far off. though sometimes i dream of pursuing photography, cooking, and yeah. modelling.

5. my biggest fear (aside from cockroaches, heights, and abandoned carnivals) is to be alone. i can't help it. i'm naturally a people person, and to surround myself with few but true friends and family is my ultimate high. take them away, and i'll be but an empty shell of myself, depressed and withdrawn. i NEED people. i do.

(thank you, friends, boyfriend, and family!:D)

6. i have my dark side too. i've always had a fascination for the dark, the macabre, horror and the supernatural. witches, warlocks, vampires, shapeshifters, murderers, ghosts, you name it. i devour books by stephen king, clive barker, anne rice, and compilations of alfred hitchcock. i can't help it. i am lured by the unknown and the mysterious, fiction or not.

7. i forever will be annoyed by stupid people. people that don't know what they're talking about, *slow* people, people who go "huh?" all the time, people that think they're better than everyone else, people who are just plain STUPID. here's an example of an encounter i had with a stupid person, just to illustrate my point.

At Butterbean:
Me: (ooh brownies~! whee) Miss, (points to a certain brownie) What's this?
Butterbean Employee(BBE): That's our brownie of the day.
Me: Hmm...(mouth watering) okay. What is it?
BBE: Brownie.
Me: (slightly annoyed) No, what IS it?
BBE: A brownie.
Me: (Really annoyed) No no, WHAT IS IT? (close to screaming)
BBE: Brownie. (Getting annoyed also)
Me: (Close to tearing my hair) I *KNOW* it's a brownie. What's ON it?
BBE: (dim flashbulb) Creamcheese.
Me: (sputter sputter) Fine. I'll take one, and a chocolate chip cookie too.
~end

see what i mean? i don't get it. of COURSE i know it's a brownie. DUHHH! what am i? stupid?? i still get so annoyed everytime i pass by the butterbean stall. if only their brownies and cookies weren't that good, i'd never buy from them ever again. but... they *are* that good... *mouth waters* damn i want a brownie now.

**Instructions: Each player starts with 7 random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to write on their own blog about their seven things, as well as these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose 7 people to get tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them that they have been tagged and to read your blog!

tortuous 10-14-06

2007-07-09T23:57:00.000-07:00

twisting

contorting

spiralling out of control

convoluting every which way

downwards and up

sideways

forward

and back again...

like it always does.

who ever said

life

was easy?

trivial matters 10-14-06

2007-07-09T23:54:00.001-07:00

shallow.

well, maybe that's one word to describe everything that's going on right now. and i guess it's always been that way, and i was too naive to notice. and i can't help but be disappointed. i know its cliche, but things were much simpler before. very much so. and i do long for those days... days when you can just be yourself, and people would appreciate you for who you are. not because you're a step above the financial ladder, or because one or both of your parents are famous, or because you were pretty, or handsome.

people nowadays. one look at you, and they judge you right off the bat, taking everything at face value. and when they don't like the way you dress, or how you talk, or even the way you look... well, watch out. they're the ones always snickering behind your back, pointing out the latest thing you have done wrong(in their eyes). they're the ones pretending to be your friends, being uberly sweet to your face, but dropping hints to one another and laughing at inside jokes, even when you yourself are with them. they roll your eyes when you're not looking, and when everything is over, they all gather 'round for a big laugh. tsk tsk. shallow. and you actually call them friends. poor you.

i wonder what perverse kick they get by these actions? preying on others' weaknesses to cover up for their own insecurities. by putting down others, they think it adds up to their own worth?

darn... i pity them.

petty 10-02-06

2007-07-09T23:52:00.000-07:00

i just can't stand her. she goes about as if she has it all, and she just *loves* being in the spotlight. she just *craves* all the attention. but what she doesn't know is... that everyone just plain doesn't like her. ah, but what is there to like? her tantrum outbursts? the insults and nasty gossip that always come so natural to one such as her? the *witty* put-downs? the way she looks at you as if you were beneath her. and yet she still tries to reach out... to those whom she still deludes herself to call her "friends." well, i hate to be the bearer of bad news, my dear... but i don't think there's any of them left.

what is it with you? are you inherently that nasty and downright bitchy? or is it all a facade for some deep-seated insecurity? but then it is not my place to make excuses for you. you claim you *love* your friends (or what's left of them, anyway..) but it is your FRIENDS that you constantly insult, put-down, and talk behind their backs. and isn't it any wonder why they ALL LEFT YOU one by one, by one?! and you say they BETRAY you! well, for crying out loud, ain't that just peachy? when it is YOU YOURSELF pushing them away! can you just stop and take a look at yourself in the mirror, please? Take a good, long look. YOU BROUGHT THIS ALL UPON YOURSELF. don't you go and blame others for what you did! why do you have to go on stepping all over people to get where you are? when you can get there just as fast by not putting other people down? the shame.

are you so starved of affection? of attention? when without such you can go through this world just as easily, but stronger. you could have made valuable friendships. but then, you excel in the art of breaking them as fast as you make them. more's the pity.

and to think i actually held you in high esteem once not so long ago. despite all your bad traits, you had your intelligence, but that's just it. intelligence can only get you so far.

Disclaimer: i have every right to rant and rave as i like, i don't need to make excuses for this. you have noticed that this was anonymous, and i have no control over the conclusions people might make, from reading this. as they say... "Sa ma-igo lang."

almost at the finish line

2007-07-09T23:02:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow decides my fate, literally. Tomorrow I will be taking my CGFNS exam, my LAST requirement for abroad. You'd think I'd be terribly relieved, but after tomorrow the waiting game starts yet again, for the results would not be released until 2-10 weeks later. Sheer torture, I tell you. And I've been waiting since my very first examination (NLE)! After a year of scandal and more waiting and studying and taking examinations left and right (stupid nursing) tomorrow would mark the end of it all.

Oh, and the waiting, of course.

Nursing was a course I wouldn't have chosen for myself (I actually wanted to be an architect or an interior designer) but due to circumstance and for practicality I let myself be pushed. I slaved over Zoology, did surprisingly well in Chem and Microbiology/Parasitology, hung on in Filipino and contemplated agonizing death over studying for Pharmacology. (No, I wasn't exaggerating.) Human Anatomy with Dr. T was a blast, with his famous green jokes and silly dancing (eng eng eng...). And I thought hey, (aside from nasty pharma and zoo) maybe I could learn to like Nursing after all. Then we had our majors. I did pretty well the first time... and had a little disappointment with midterm grades after that but I found myself enjoying my course. I struggled a bit here and there with theory and RLE and duties, but I made it through. Tears were shed, nights sleepless due to notetaking and completing requirements... and all were instrumental to getting me to where I am today.

And you know what I'm most guilty about? Well, not really. I enjoyed every damn minute of it.

~~NLE?~~    -- taken, passed
~~TOEFL-iBT?~~    --taken, passed
~~NCLEX?~~    --taken, passed
~~NLE retake?~~    --taken, no results yet

Tomorrow, I take the CGFNS. And I hope and pray for all the best. This shall be my very last hurdle towards the fulfillment of not only my dreams, but for my family's as well.

I do hope this will be the VERY last.

please pray for me? XD

envy: my poison

2007-07-08T02:45:00.000-07:00

it starts out all innocently enough,
you barely even recognize it at all
you start wishing
praying
hoping
for more
more
more

it consumes you
it devours you
until you drown in its evils

distraught
desperate
you pray to untangle yourself from all the mess

you discover
there is a little window of opportunity
if you change now
and stop before it's too late

and with great resolve
you promise yourself
never again.
never again.

never again will i submit myself to
pity
self-deprecation
hopelessness
dissatisfaction

never again will i
put myself down
bring others down
with me

it's all a matter of perspective
realization
of the truths
and what you CAN do
to make it all better
for you
for everyone

stop.
before it consumes you again.
never again.

busy bee

2007-06-22T02:57:00.000-07:00

I don't really know what's wrong with my DSL provider or my computer. I haven't been able to sign in to my other accounts in 2 weeks. TWO WEEKS! I CANNOT get into either multiply and i.ph. And after I resolved to constantly update them, too! T^T Bother! Hence I came back to blogger. I had deleted my first account, since I wasn't able to update that since forever and now I'm back in the blogging business...here I am again. I guess I shouldn't have deleted that first account. Lol.

Seriously, something's up with my internet providerT^T I have to get this fixed somehow. But I'm too busy now! I have less than 3 weeks left until my CGFNS exam this July, and I don't think I'm ready. Even I find the practice exams hard. And I'm down 20 points since my last practice exam. *cries* What's wrong with me?T^T

At least this has told me that I have to try harder. And I WANT to. Here we go again... as if studying for almost a year wasn't enough. And it isn't! I keep forgetting things I should have already known. Aaagghh...nursing really is frustrating most of the time.

current mood: bummed

craving: chocolate

blowing steam

2007-06-18T06:27:00.000-07:00

sometimes life gets so frustrating.

on one hand you try to make the best of everything everyday, but it can only take one tiny little thing to set you off of that "feel-good-about-yourself" track.

you're minding your own business, and some people say or do something, and the insecurity consumes you. DROWNS you in it.

it kinda makes me wonder about the "what-ifs" if things were much different.

you can't blame them for what they did, or what they still *ARE* doing. i guess. but the least they could do was show some respect! gawd, you'd think it'll kill them to show some sort of appreciation...

because they're better off. because they're making more money. because they can afford to give more than we can.

it doesn't mean you have to treat them better because of all that material wealth. but people do tend to favor the rich. that's a fact of life, sadly enough.

i'm just really disappointed. i just thought they'd be better than this.

i need to break out of this mess.

soon.

06/17/07